Self analysis; its what Virgos do lol

We all have that ONE ex.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one whom if it weren't for that ONE incident, the one fight; you'd still be together.  The one you loved more than anything, the one that you compare every other person to; subconsciously or otherwise.  We know that doesn't mean that you'll never love anyone else like that, but when THAT one ends ugly you either work through it or repeat it.  I never worked through it. I just walked away when he hit me and never dealt with the loss.  

There's a gigantic loss that happens when the man you KNEW with all of your heart would never hurt you actually does.  You knew you were safe, knew he'd never lay a hand on you.  In a drunken rage, that security is taken away.  There's no words for that kind of pain, that kind of loss.  We went through hell and back, and back again together and broke up a few times.  I never thought the day would come that we'd be done for good.  He was everything.  Even through his addiction I saw the real man that was there, the good man who loved me and had the kindest heart.  Sad thing is; thats who addiction grabs most often.  The kind; the easy going; the ones who want to make everyone happy.  Its like they mistake that false intoxicated confidence for the real thing and just stick like glue to whatever substance moves them to feel that way.  

He really was clean for a short time. A VERY short time.  When a great guy like that relapses, you blame yourself.  "What did I do to make him want to drink?" is a common thought.  Bad thing is I wasn't just dealing with a drunk.  Dustin was the kind of addict that couldn't just stick to one vice.  He did them all, or none.  If he was drinking he'd take ANYTHING.  When he was sober, he was sober.  No middle ground, ever.  When he WAS sober, he was fantastic. Caring, sweet, romantic, helpful around the house, even a fantastic cook.  He was the model husband if there ever was one. We were never legally married, but we were living together after day 4. I have to face it; after 3 years together; we were married.   When he was drinking.. not 3 drinks in he was a completely different person.  Abusive, mouthy, lazy, mean, sloppy, and down right ignorant.  Some just are NOT meant to drink, EVER.   

The break up was the emotional equivalent of a divorce for me.  I just blocked it out and moved on. Literally.. I went to Alabama for a week, came back, then dove into partying and ignored my pain. HAHA, not drinking and partying or anything.. ok a little.. but nothing big in that direction. It was more the other kind of partying... the kind where I lost all self respect.  You know what I mean.  That wasn't any better than the drinking.  I knew deep inside I lost the right to have a problem with his alcohol addiction.  I became everything he said I was during our fights.  I also slowly retreated back into my fat suit, which isn't coming off as easily as when I was younger.  Its like its my "bullshit buffer" as a friend worded it.  I also think its why I grow so weary of relationships when guys are obviously not serious about me quickly.  We were.  We both knew from the second we locked eyes.  I've never felt so light headed in my life, and the look in his eyes told me he knew the exact same thing I did.  I guess I believe that if its not literally love at first sight; its not truly being 'in love'.  

I've always been a little bit psychic, so I ALWAYS know right off if its someone I can even try to love. I've TRIED to love quite a few, but its never stuck. You know that its not love if you have to try.  What brought all this to the surface you ask? The mention of his name. He's back in our home town and asking about me. It made me think about a lot of shit just hearing that he's in a short driving distance.  I'll be 100% honest and say that if I could be completely without a doubt guaranteed that he'd never drink again, or at least always seek treatment and stay on top of it; I'd go back with him in half a heartbeat.  I know thats probably never going to happen, so I have to FINALLY deal with this and move on.  It'll probably take the whole year of singledom to undo the lingering crap I didn't deal with 4 years ago.  This is the sucky part about growing up...lol, you realize things you were once too young to handle emotionally.