2010 is GONE, thank goodness!

And so we start anew :).  Feels nice huh? Every new year feels like a new chance to start over.  I really hope my life falls into place finally, because I'm sooooo sick of seeing everyone elses statuses on facebook about how amazing their lives are.  Kids, Husbands, great boyfriends who aren't abusive, good jobs, able to actually pay their way through the world. Must be nice.  If it weren't for Facebook being the only way I talk to my younger siblings, I'd probably just delete all together.  Facebook really isn't good for your self confidence...lol.  I keep offering to give up internet and sell my computer, but my mother refuses.  I guess she knows its really my only entertainment besides reading.  I don't watch a whole lot of TV, and if we didn't have that I wouldn't miss it at all.  I don't spend much time on the phone most days, so net is really all I got... sadly. 

I'd like to ask my friends to resolve to think about coming to see me more. I'm a recluse, I keep trying to make friends here but Jonesboro people suck.  Like... hard.  I had one really good friend that I spent all kinds of time with, then she stabbed me in the back by allowing her husband to run his mouth about me and didnt' say a word to him about it.  The fact that Neil and I didn't work out isn't the point, the fact is she was being a really bad friend while we were together and I'm just not going to allow her negativity in my life anymore. Therefore; I'm back to being a recluse.  I really need a few of you to come through for me on occasion.  There's one of you who shall remain nameless who comes to Jonesboro often and hasn't come to see me in 2 years. Everytime I make it to our hometown I make it first priority to come see you.  I don't wanna hear how you had to do this and that. My house is less than 5 minutes from where you do those things... you can carve out 30 minutes for me.  My love for my friends is unconditional, however the amount of abandonment I'll put up with does have conditions.  

I just have to start requiring more from people.  I have to start requiring more backbone about it from me also.  See, for about the last 3 1/2 years I've been by myself almost all of the time.  Literally. Just me, sitting at my computer or some other solo activities (thats not dirty you pervs lol).  Thats probably why I've dated so much, just trying to find someone who will spend time with me.  I'm quite lonely to be honest.  Those who've judged me for all my dating also haven't cared to carve any time out of their precious lives to spend with me, so their vote doesn't really count.  

The problem I've been having with dating is I keep finding guys who are like "drunk Dustin", except they're sober. That is way worse.  They're fully AWARE of how badly they treat me.  Nobody starts out that way, you know this.  I think somewhere inside of me I think I deserve it.  Its hard not to blame myself or wonder what might've happened if we'd stayed together. I know he's still drinking, but part of me wonders if I could have gotten him to get sober after all of this time had I stuck it out.  Part of me wonders if leaving him is what sent him over the deep end.  Probably part of it. I know I can't blame myself, as I did nothing but try to save him the whole time we were together.  I was not by any stretch an enabler.  Anytime he brought home booze, I dumped it down the drain.  They say every addict needs an enabler. HIS enablers were his friends.  They were just like him, most of them anyway.  I tried to encourage him to seek new companions, but I guess he ran the risk of his new friends not finding his drunkenness funny.  

I am not claiming that I was the perfect girlfriend/wife to him. I nagged. I bitched. Honestly though, and I don't want to sound like i think I was a martyr; but when he WASN'T drinking... I didn't nag or bitch or complain.  I just loved him.  I loved being his house wife.  It made me feel needed.  I liked doing his laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning our apartment when we were out on our own.  I loved it. He loved it too until his drunkenness decided he didn't want to have to financially take care of me when he'd rather be buying booze(keep in mind he TOLD me he didnt' want me to have to work and got the best job he could find so I wouldn't have to, he did that when he was sober...). 

Seriously, if he'd never started drinking again we'd have a house and kids and be married and all that jazz. He was a really responsible person sober. I miss that.  I really need to find a way to make peace with this. I think making peace with him will help. If nothing else I need to see that there was nothing I could have done that would have helped him change.  Truly, the drinking was really his only big fatal flaw.  However it was a HUUUGE dangerous flaw.  I have a way to speak to him now if I really want to, but I just want to speak to him sober b/c speaking to him drunk he'll never hear me.  I think a lot of my writings will be about him for a while, b/c I'm finally allowing myself to feel it.  I never did before.  Had I been wiser, I would've just knocked it out 4 years ago.  Its like he and I split then life just snowballed into a lot of crap all at once.  The last 4 years have kinda been hell.  I'm ready for a shift of luck. I know I have to make it myself, and I'm prepared to do my absolute best. 

I guess thats all for now.  I'm sure there will be more later lol.