Self analysis; its what Virgos do lol

We all have that ONE ex.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one whom if it weren't for that ONE incident, the one fight; you'd still be together.  The one you loved more than anything, the one that you compare every other person to; subconsciously or otherwise.  We know that doesn't mean that you'll never love anyone else like that, but when THAT one ends ugly you either work through it or repeat it.  I never worked through it. I just walked away when he hit me and never dealt with the loss.  

There's a gigantic loss that happens when the man you KNEW with all of your heart would never hurt you actually does.  You knew you were safe, knew he'd never lay a hand on you.  In a drunken rage, that security is taken away.  There's no words for that kind of pain, that kind of loss.  We went through hell and back, and back again together and broke up a few times.  I never thought the day would come that we'd be done for good.  He was everything.  Even through his addiction I saw the real man that was there, the good man who loved me and had the kindest heart.  Sad thing is; thats who addiction grabs most often.  The kind; the easy going; the ones who want to make everyone happy.  Its like they mistake that false intoxicated confidence for the real thing and just stick like glue to whatever substance moves them to feel that way.  

He really was clean for a short time. A VERY short time.  When a great guy like that relapses, you blame yourself.  "What did I do to make him want to drink?" is a common thought.  Bad thing is I wasn't just dealing with a drunk.  Dustin was the kind of addict that couldn't just stick to one vice.  He did them all, or none.  If he was drinking he'd take ANYTHING.  When he was sober, he was sober.  No middle ground, ever.  When he WAS sober, he was fantastic. Caring, sweet, romantic, helpful around the house, even a fantastic cook.  He was the model husband if there ever was one. We were never legally married, but we were living together after day 4. I have to face it; after 3 years together; we were married.   When he was drinking.. not 3 drinks in he was a completely different person.  Abusive, mouthy, lazy, mean, sloppy, and down right ignorant.  Some just are NOT meant to drink, EVER.   

The break up was the emotional equivalent of a divorce for me.  I just blocked it out and moved on. Literally.. I went to Alabama for a week, came back, then dove into partying and ignored my pain. HAHA, not drinking and partying or anything.. ok a little.. but nothing big in that direction. It was more the other kind of partying... the kind where I lost all self respect.  You know what I mean.  That wasn't any better than the drinking.  I knew deep inside I lost the right to have a problem with his alcohol addiction.  I became everything he said I was during our fights.  I also slowly retreated back into my fat suit, which isn't coming off as easily as when I was younger.  Its like its my "bullshit buffer" as a friend worded it.  I also think its why I grow so weary of relationships when guys are obviously not serious about me quickly.  We were.  We both knew from the second we locked eyes.  I've never felt so light headed in my life, and the look in his eyes told me he knew the exact same thing I did.  I guess I believe that if its not literally love at first sight; its not truly being 'in love'.  

I've always been a little bit psychic, so I ALWAYS know right off if its someone I can even try to love. I've TRIED to love quite a few, but its never stuck. You know that its not love if you have to try.  What brought all this to the surface you ask? The mention of his name. He's back in our home town and asking about me. It made me think about a lot of shit just hearing that he's in a short driving distance.  I'll be 100% honest and say that if I could be completely without a doubt guaranteed that he'd never drink again, or at least always seek treatment and stay on top of it; I'd go back with him in half a heartbeat.  I know thats probably never going to happen, so I have to FINALLY deal with this and move on.  It'll probably take the whole year of singledom to undo the lingering crap I didn't deal with 4 years ago.  This is the sucky part about growing up...lol, you realize things you were once too young to handle emotionally. 

A little insight into me

 

 The truth is I'm not completely sure that I know HOW to have a successful relationship.  I've never seen one up close, and I've never been in a healthy one.  The long standing ones in my family have been with people I didn't grow up around, so I didn't get to witness them.  

You know those lifetime movies where the single independent woman finally gives in and gives a shot to a seemingly great guy, only for them to turn around and turn into an abuser or asshole of some sort? Yeah... that would be my dating life.  Thats why I feel the need to abstain from dating for a year and figure out who I am.  I'm not going to promise that I'll be single for ONLY a year, but its the minimum.  It looks like I do nothing but date back to back, but I've abstained from dating for year stretches before and did rather well.  For those doubting me; I've done it before and I will do it again.  It seems to be the only way I can focus on me is if I don't get myself caught up in some guy who will only turn around and abuse or annoy me.  

I'm convinced that I'm meant to be a single mother when I have kids. I'm totally ok with that.  I will make a great mom b/c I just can never turn the "mommy" off...lol, I just have no tolerance for grown men who act like 3 year old boys.  I want kids more than anything, I just don't want to have to deal with the baby daddy drama.  Well I'll spend the next year getting healthier again, and when I feel its time we'll see if I can make a friend who just wants a kid and not a relationship.  Sounds good to me! lol

And so my year of singledom begins NOW

 

Its not some half cocked new year's resolution.  I was thinkin this before I even met Neil, he was just kind of a last attempt before temporarily throwing in the towel. I'm not 'giving up' on dating, I'm just determined to STOP giving up on ME.  2011 IS the year I'll finally get my shit together come hell or high water.  Anyone that wants to have a hand in it by all means, but with or without anyone's help I WILL get my feet planted firmly on the ground.  

All of the things I want to do for myself, I have learned I can't do with a man in my life.  There's not a man out there who's secure enough to let a woman find herself without trying to keep her from succeeding in some underhanded back stabbing sabotaging way.  I'm ok with that.  

My last bag of christmas candy is almost gone, a bag of coconut tips.  I don't have the heart to throw them out lol, they were mine and Granny's favorite together, but its a small bag so its ok. Once these are gone my healthy lifestyle is back in full swing.  Tomorrow morning, around 7am sharp... yoga happens.  I know I tried and failed so many times, but I only really fail if I stop trying right? So... even if I fail... I'm trying again.  I take that back, failure is not an option this time around.  Well, its always a possibility I suppose, but I'm not cool with considering it part of the plan.  I should probably work on this whole mindless rambling in blogs thing too huh?  Ah well, how else can I be me without being me?  

A little part of me is hoping that I'll win some substantial sum of money.  The logical part of me is planning to start AVON in the next month or two, then use THAT money to pay for either a car or cab fare (how much it looks like I'll be making will dictate that, so only time will tell) to get to a fulltime job somewhere else, then get a car and all that awesome jazz.   I have a plan, I just hope I can make it happen.  I KNOW its possible, just whether or not it pans out is the big question.

Merry Christmas, blah blah blah....

Ya know what? I think the holidays are just meant to recap your accomplishments and failures of the year to your relatives.  This person has a perfect job, this person has a new baby, this person is in school, and this person is a complete failure at life.  I hate holidays, they just shine everyone else's great lives in my face.  If you haven't guessed, I'm the failure at life.  I'd probably feel different if I was the one in school, with the great job, or with the new baby.  Nope... not me. My biggest accomplishments were learning to make a vegetarian lasagna and a tofu chocolate pie (that not one person guessed was tofu btw, I DO have to pat myself on the back for that one.) 

I really wish I could see enough into the future to know if the next year was going to yield anything new for me, but at the same time if the answer is no I might just lose it so I guess its a good thing.  No matter how hard I've tried in the past, the things I want never happen.  The only time I get good things is random out of the blue, and just in the nick of time. Not that its a bad thing, I always seem to have what I need.  I just want something more ya know?  My cousin had his new baby at Christmas tonight.  He's precious.  He's all new and pink, the sound of him eating makes my heart melt.  My ovaries started screaming the second I laid eyes on him.  I have to wonder if there's some kind of cosmic joke out that I'm the butt of.  I'd give body parts to be a mother, and I mean that literally.  As long as I have one arm to hold a baby I'm good.  

Why do the wonderful things happen for everyone else?  Where's my wonderful?  I'm not asking for much, just a tiny miracle in one form or another that will allow me to be a Mommy.  Simple huh? I wish.  

Ok that is my rambling for now... just had to get some thoughts out.  Happens occasionally...

More reasons I love my life (sarcasm is thick here...)

I feel like I'm not allowed to get excited about guys and then change my mind b/c I am so open about it.  Its embarrassing to be the one who can't seem to hold onto a guy.  Right now I'm with Neil, but who knows how long that'll last. 

We're already fighting less than 2 months in.  I fucking  hate drama and I hate fighting.  I hate even more that men make you cry then get mad at you for crying.  I hate that someone who was supposed to be my best friend started treating me like shit just for getting to know someone.  I also hate that he asked me to marry him before he really knows me, I actually cringed inside when I said yes. I was fully aware that would change once he really got to know me.  Seems like its changing.  

He got mad b/c I took up for his niece when I thought he was out of line with her.  He won't let that go and has told me its not my business. Its totally my business when a man of 6'3" and 285lbs is screaming to a child of less than 5 foot tall and probably a whole 60lbs.  I'm sorry, but as an adult you do NOT intimidate a child to get them to listen.  Its not right, its not ok.  You do not use your size advantage to threaten someone's comfort.  I have way too strong of a maternal instinct to not say something to that.  Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this but I'm so mad right now.  I'm sick of being the one who is at the other person's disposal when they dont' even try to accommodate me in return. 

I seriously don't think this is going to work out.  I care about him, but I'm not up for the drama.  I said before I met him that I was just going to stay single for a year.  I might just need to go back to that and stick to it.  I need to really take care of myself and if hes going to be getting in the way of how I feel about myself then I really don't need that crap in my life.  Plus, he's not making any effort towards that divorce.  I have the contact information for legal aide and he doesn't seem to be asking for it.  I just don't know if he really is that committed to me.  I don't really know if he even knows what commitment means.  

Hell, I'm not sure I even know how to react to someone if they did know.  He disagreed that our relationship, once married (and before if he really wants me to marry him in the first place) is going to have to come before everything else in our lives.  THAT is the ONLY way marriages work, if you put the marriage before everything else.  I don't know if he's really ready to get married again, it doesn't seem like it.  I am ready and willing to get married, as long as the other person understands to what degree I expect them to be committed and they stick to it. No wonder people have disposable marriages anymore.  They get married just to look good to everyone else, they dont' really take into consideration what they're actually saying "I do" to.

My quest to find myself (pt 1.)

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, that is without question.  I've also done more than a few things right, so why on earth is my life so far behind other people's?  I know its not exactly a race, but I'd like to be in the running for 'normal' if it was.  I don't like that I am 26 and live with my mother.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm not lazy nor unmotivated.  I've been taking care of my nephew for the last 11 years and he's come before having a job or anything else for that matter.  Now that he's older, its time for me to find myself and I really don't know where to start.  The ONLY thing holding me back is lack of money and a job to save some.  Sounds like an easy fix right? YOU try explaining to a 'would be boss' that you've been caring for your sister's child since before you were of legal driving age.  It sounds wild and they think its an excuse.  Um.. since children under 12 aren't supposed to be home alone, I consider it being responsible.  There's been very few employers who understood my plight and worked with me on the hours and days I needed to work or be off.  

Those who find it unbelievable would have worked with me if it had been my own biological child, I guarantee this.  I know its hard for others to understand that someone would give up their adolescence and early adulthood for someone else's child, but she's my sister and she wouldn't have hesitated to do the very same thing had the tables been turned.  I've missed out on a lot, but I've also received so much more.  I got first steps, first words, first laughs, hugs, kisses, funny pictures, and a whole slew of precious memories with my nephew, memories that most Aunts and Uncles don't get.  I'm a parent for lack of a better word, I just haven't given birth yet; I just wasn't old enough to have custody of him when my sister passed (I was 15), but you better believe I took on the role of caregiver faster than most adults I know would have.  

Now its my turn, I just don't know where to start.  I don't want to be so far from my family that I can't see them, but I need to move out of the same town so that I can get on my own feet outside of my comfort zone, so that if I fail I can't fall back on my mother's home and am forced to make it work.  The first step would be to find a job that would give me an ungodly amount of hours for at least a few months until I have the amount of money  needed to even begin to do what I need to do.  

Haha, just short of 5-10 thousand people sending me $1 a piece, there's really no other way.  Whats stopping me? A car, or lack of lol.  I live in a town where when I've attempted to walk to work moronic drivers think its funny to see if they can scare the person walking by playing "chicken".  Sounds funnier than it is, I promise. If one of those idiots loses control, we're both goners.  It wasn't just one person, it was the majority.  Drivers Education isn't required in Arkansas to get your license, and the drivers in this town make it very obvious.  Its a catch 22, its my only catch though.  If I can figure this situation out I'll be good to go.  

Where does one start when you have nothing to start with? I seriously enter sweepstakes every single day hoping for a miracle...lol, even though my common sense tells me its not going to happen; at least I have as much chance as anyone else.  Small chance or not, its a chance.  I have tried finding a boyfriend who has a job and a car to help ME get to a job, but I'm being reminded of why I don't rely on other people.  I never have relied on men to do for me, b/c I always get the really selfish ones who only think of themselves.  I think I'll go back to being single and figuring it out on my own like my original plan was. I think living on my own for at least 6 months would be a great way to find myself anyway, I mean how can you find yourself if you never spend time with just yourself, on your own two feet?  I don't want to wait til after I'm married (if ever), and future children are grown and moved out before I attempt to find myself.  I don't want to be one of the women who are over 40 before I know who I am.  I want to know before I get there, so I can truly enjoy my youth and not waste it.  There's only so much of it left.  

If anyone out there has any ideas let me know. (that isn't an open invitation for judgment) I've already tried the first 50 things on your list of suggestions though, and they didn't work out.  I learned not to 'catch rides' with coworkers b/c other ppl aren't reliable.  I tried that, its how I wound up walking 5 miles home during rush hour on a main road.  Buses don't run on my street, by the time I got to a bus stop I might as well keep walking to my destination, which in this town isn't exactly the most safe thing to do.  I DO own a bicycle, but I'm not in good enough shape to ride it very far yet.  I'm workin on it, but after not riding a bike for 15 years; you forget how very strong your legs were as a child. 

Now, give me a new idea lol.

My story

When I was 12 years old going on 13 a friend of the family, who was around 18 or 19 was staying at our house because he  had nowhere to go.  He was like an older brother to me.  We played, wrestled, and bantered often.  He was the cool older friend who treated me like an adult.  One night Hanson was on Conan O'Brien and my mother agreed to let me stay up with him and watch it, as long as HE promised to make sure I went to bed when it was over.  He was now in charge.  That night was the first time someone attempted to rape me.  I got away, ran to my bedroom (tried to be quiet as not to wake my mother because she had to got work at 5am) and slept next to to locked door as to barricade myself into my room.  I can't remember where my sister was that night, probably with a boyfriend or something.  The next day I told my Grandmother I was sick and stayed home from school so that I didn't have to leave my room until I knew he was gone.  I heard him leave hours later and ran down to lock the doors.  He never came back, thank God. I know my mother knew something was up because he left and didn't return, but I never told her.  I decided that I must've led him on somehow that he thought I wanted it, that when he told me I was being a tease he was probably right. I didn't know what it meant to be a tease yet. 

About 7 months later I gave into the next guy who tried to have sex with me, who was 18, because I didn't want to be a tease again.  I had decided that 'tease' meant you flirted with them and if they wanted to have sex with you and you said no that you were just a 'tease'.  I thought tease was a bad thing, and I didn't want to be bad.  I didn't feel good about it, but since I didn't say no (remember I was still only 13) it was completely my fault that an 18 year old guy had sex with me.  I'm aware most of the population thinks that a 13 year old girl can properly consent, but unless you've ever been a 13 year old girl you really don't know what you're talking about.  If you waited til you were older to have sex then you don't know what was going through the mind of the 13 year old who was afraid to say no. 

3 months after that a friend and I were hanging out with her older boyfriend.  He was 23 and we were 13 (me) and 14(her).  We went to his MUCH older friend's house, a man of 52 years old who was married and had an 8 year old daughter.  He let us drink, then tried to touch us.  I didnt' give into that one, there was nothing about that in which I thought a man that age would think a child only a few years older than his daughter would consent to sex with a man my Grandfather's age.  I got out of there FAST.  Less than a year later when I was 14 a young man my sister brought home forced himself on me, telling me that if I screamed he'd hurt my sister, nephew, and mom who were all upstairs sleeping.  I was already in trouble for acting out and getting arrested for shoplifting, I didn't want to get anyone hurt when all I had to do was let him have his way.  When it was over he told me "they'll never believe you if you tell, guys like me don't have to force ourselves on fat 14 year olds."  He was right, I told my sister a few weeks later when I knew there was no chance of him returning, she didn't believe me.  I truly think she just didn't want to fathom that she brought someone into our house that hurt her baby sister.  I wish she would've said that instead of "I don't believe that he came onto you, it was probably you coming onto him".  The fact that she'd been raped before didn't help her process what I'd just told her.  I can only hope that she now knows I didn't lie to her.  Since she didn't believe me, my own sister, I didnt' tell anyone else. 

For the next 7 years I went wayward, especially after my sister died when I was 15.  I prayed that she'd forgiven me for what she thought I did.  I know she loved me more than anything, and I was so sorry that she thought I'd ever mess with a guy she liked.  From then on I became rather promiscuous.  Because I was young and still under my mom's roof it didn't start out so bad.  I had a boyfriend for most of the year after Cassie's death so that kept me being good.  Once he and I broke up all hell broke loose.  I slept with anyone who showed interest because I didn't want to look like a loser that nobody wanted, and because I'd learned to be scared of saying no.  There were a few times in there that I got down to it and said "no" before the act began, only to be completely ignored.  I didn't think that was rape because I took off my own pants. 

When I was 18  met my 6 month long stalker.  He was weird and obsessive. I knew him 3 days and by the time he left (well, had to have him removed by police) I was covered in bruises and he called and stalked me for months after until I finally got my dad involved.  He threatened his life and I never heard from him again.   My dad died when I was 19, so he'll never again be able to threaten the life of an abuser so I'm on my own.  Thats scary.

A few years down the road I was hanging out with a close girl friend, she was messed up on every drug under the sun and left me alone with her dealer/pimp.  I realized I'd just been traded for drugs.  How anyone can have sex with a girl who's crying for them to get off of her I'll never know.  I've not spoken to that girl since.  A year and a half later a guy I was breaking up with decided I needed a 'goodbye' rape.  I reasoned it away saying that 'if thats what it took to get rid of him, I can get over it".  I of course always had in the back of my mind that it just seemed I attracted nothing but abusers and rapists.  I've also dated two men who put their hands on me.  I even got blamed by that by some faceless internet people. 

I once opened up to an ex about my assaults, only to be told that I was a horrible person for not reporting them and that it was my 'duty' to do so.  The victim is always the one who's supposed to be 'responsible' about the events that follow.  Forget that I'd had to be practically raped again in court to even possibly get someone a slap on the wrist.  I was thought of as a slut, so nobody was going to listen.  People often forget that perpetrators seek out victims who can be easily discredited.  All of these instances caused me to not think much of myself, always settling for abusive boyfriends and any affection I could get.  I'm not sure I don't still do it, as a matter of fact I know I do sometimes.

To victims of rape, molestation, or incest:  Its never your fault. Nothing you wore, nothing you said, and nothing you did made it ok for them to hurt you.  Be you a man or a woman, you are not to blame. THEY violated YOU.  YOU are the victim.  Do not be ashamed.  I say don't be ashamed, but my hands shake at the idea of posting this because I know there will be internet trolls or even people close to me that don't believe me. I sometimes don't believe it myself, its a rather wild history.  Sadly though, the more fucked up a story sounds, the more likely that its true. 

I've spent years hiding behind my fat, thinking if I hide they won't find me.  Thats never worked.  I hid behind promiscuity thinking that since I was such a slut that I deserved it, that those men must've saw something in me that I was in denial about.  I've gotten better over the last several years, but its still a struggle to remind myself that I'm a grown woman and I'm allowed to say "no" when I don't want to be with someone.  I've been 'taught' by boyfriends that "love" is a word that people use to control you, so I've recently been chosing boyfriends who don't say they love me, because if that word isn't spoken then its less likely that abuse will ensue.  I don't trust men.  The only men I trust are furry and walk on all 4's, my cats.  There are family members whom I push away because I think that they're far too good to be related to me, so I piss them off until they stop talking to me.  It hurts, but it keeps them safe from me.  I'm pretty sure my current boyfriend isn't in love with me.  The sad part is I'm ok with that, as I said: the ones who've said they loved me hit me and/or tried to kill me. 

This is my story.  I hope it inspires someone to share their own.

Wow... almost a year since I blogged on here.

Well allow me to update then. I've been on a rollercoaster of a year in 09, but its over. I dated a few ppl, but one that left the hardest impression was Chaz. He tried to kill me. Not just physically, but he enjoys crushing spirits. I feel really scared for his new girlfriend, also named Jaemy. Thats creepy all on its own. She has almost my name and she has Sarah's zodiac sign. He's trying to replace both of us now with this girl. I feel sorry for her, she has no idea what she's in for. He's a waste of time and possibly a death hazard. I have a new man now, Derek. He's amazing. I don't know whats going to happen, but I am looking forward to finding out. He spent the holidays with me, both Yule and New Year's Eve. He might be "it", but then again I've been wrong so many times before its hard to trust it. I hope he is, I'm honestly sick to death of looking. I am ready to settle down, get married, and start my own family. Caring for Caegan all those months really has my mommy genes in overdrive, I miss that little booger. Damn Chaz for allowing me to get so close to him. I hope he ends up alone and miserable. He doesn't deserve anyone until he learns to truly love. He doesn't know HOW to love anyone besides himself. He'll say he loves a person, but to him its about controlling them. He knows if he tells a girl that he loves her then he has her under his control at least until she realizes what a douche bag he is. Good luck Ms. La Belle.