2012: what I'm learning (to hope to shut up a few ppl)

I have all kinds of opinions on this. You may not like them all, but here we go.  

First of all that book called "The Bible" that many of you are panicking because of doesn't even once say WHEN the Messiah is coming back.  Even more, it actually says that if you think Jesus is coming back... then he won't.   

Matthew 25: 13, "Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man comes."  

Matthew 24:44, "Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as you think not the Son of man comes."

Basically, if there's a Messiah coming back, we're not getting a warning. Its like random drug testing.  They don't TELL you when you're going to have to pee in a cup, they just expect you to behave yourself and be ready for when you do have to; even if its a very long time away.
 

I'm not going to agree or disagree with the bible, but if that's the text you want to talk about then actually read it and try to understand what its telling you.  I'm not Christian, but I'm not against learning other people's religious views, however I want to learn them myself. I don't want them shoved down my throat.  

December 21st, 2012. "dooms day".   It does not say WHAT change happens after the end of this cycle, it just says it WILL change.  It didn't say good or bad.  STOP PANICKING!  Did you know that more than just the Mayans made 365 day calendars? Did you also know that there were 260 day calendars? Why do people get so hysterical and then instead of educating themselves thrust their hysteria on others? Try reading! Calm down! 

Its completely possible that the world could end at any moment between now and the next 2011 years, but lets not freak out.  Life your life, be happy, do good for others. 

I wish.. (this is kinda poignant)

I wish people would be nicer to each other.  There's so much hate in the world. 

I wish I could rewind to 10 years old and tell myself to stop binging, before I was actually fat.

I wish my siblings had some kind of clue how much I love them.  Just because I'm not standing in front of them doesn't mean I don't think of them every single second.  

I wish the same of the rest of my family. Even the ones who seem to have issues with me.  

I wish people understood that I know a thing or two about raising kids even though I haven't given birth.  Who do you think Zac has spent most of his time with?  You might take my advice seriously...lol, he's 12 1/2 and quite an awesome kid. I credit myself for that as much as I do my mother.  

I wish my guy friends would realize that my chosen year of singledom also includes celibacy.  You STILL have to date me and put a ring on it to get this...lol, and since I'm gonna be single all year... you are not going to have that opportunity until 2012 :).  Stop asking.  All of you.  

I wish people would stop being all freaked out about the end of the world.  You'll either survive or you won't, but guess what? If you don't, you won't be alive to care.  Relax, live your life.  I highly doubt its coming to an end.  They thought that in 2000 too remember? Still kickin...

I wish my Aunt Shelley would get the stick out of her butt.  I wish that how much I love her counted for more than my choice of religion.  Unfortunately its a battle I will never get anywhere on, but it won't stop me from trying.  

I wish my mom's sisters didnt' sound so disappointed when I answered the phone when they call.  Not sure what I did to them, but telling me and working past it is a lot more mature than just treating me like I don't exist.  It feels like shit for the record, b/c I love them. One particularly almost like another mom. So thanks. 

I wish I had someone to work out with.  Its really lonely to do it by myself. 

I wish I wasn't so mean to myself.  I say things about me that my worst enemies probably never even thought to say. 

I wish I could win some substantial sum of money. I don't need a giant jackpot to get my life started, but a cool 10-20grand would do me just fine.  I don't need to never work again, I just need a few things to get me started in the right direction. 

I wish I could find some friends around here. Jonesboro people are a miserable bunch.  

I wish for my cats to know that they're the closest thing to acceptance I feel in my life.  They love me just because I love them. They don't need a reason.  Besides my mother, they're the only ones who love me unconditionally.  

I wish people around me understood that fact.  Its kinda sad that my cats are the only unconditional love that I feel.  Maybe those who call themselves close to me should think about that.  

I wish people would stop treating me like I'm made of glass. Really stupid glass at that.  I'm a lot stronger than you give me credit for, and probably stronger than those who treat me that way.  I'm also a lot smarter than I let on. I just choose not to share it with those who don't deserve it.  

I wish I knew what was out there. I'm having a hard time believing in a higher power right now.  I know its asking a lot to see some kind of tiny personal miracle for proof, but I need something good in my own life.  How much can one person take? I just need a tiny small personal miracle.  Seeing other people get miracles just solidifies my feeling of being a joke to whomever is out there.  

I wish for my really good friend to finally find his place in the world.  He's been homeless most of the last 4 years minus the several months he stayed with me until me moved back to Maryland.  He's stronger than he knows.  I promise if I ever get my miracle, I'll pass it on and he will no longer struggle.

How in the heck do you turn sleep hours around?

My first order of business is to turn my hours around so that I can get up at the butt crack of dawn and work out.  I'm having HELL with that.  I just can't lay down and fall asleep, I lay there FOREVER.  I mean like HOURS.  Even more,  I set my phone to go off early and then I don't hear it. I MADE super loud ringtones specifically for my alarm clock, there's no reason I shouldn't be hearing it.  Oy! I'll get it worked out.  It'd be nice if I could get some QUALITY sleep then I wouldn't be sleeping so late. 

Your question is probably "why not just work out in the afternoon?"... well because I don't like to lol. I don't mind working out a second time in the PM hours, but my first work out of the day HAS to be upon waking and HAS to be before 8am or I wake up dragging ass.  I know once I get it worked out I'll have much more energy, but its finding the energy to do it thats really hard. 

Last night was hell for sleeping. I layed down at midnight and fell asleep I believe around 3ish... something like that.  I just can't turn my brain off sometimes.  I've got so much to do to get my life straight that it just kinda floods my mind.  I know logically that I can only take one step at a time, but looking at all the steps I have to take is rather overwhelming.  I know exactly what steps I NEED to take.  I know that its totally ok if it takes me a while to do all of it, but I'm really just so ready to have the end result that the tedious details are going to annoy me until I get a little closer to my goals.  I guess this isnt' as long as I thought it was going to be today...lol.  Maybe I got all the frustrating thoughts out for the day.

1-1-11 post #2...

I really love it when your decisions prove themselves to be good.  I have a really bad habit of second guessing everything I do. I even second guessed breaking up with Neil. Today he proved I was right to do so...lol. He got on Yahoo just to tell me that he had a new girlfriend (trying to make me jealous?...lol).  I just pointed out that he proved me right to dump him b/c I knew he wasn't all that into me. If he had been he wouldn't have rushed to date someone else just a week after we broke up.  He said I was 'pushing' him into marrying him?? Um?? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  He asked me lol, I even rolled my eyes when I said yes...since he asked me on facebook messenger...lol.  Of COURSE I made it look like I was more excited about it than I was, because I knew that if he really meant it, it wouldn't scare him off.  If he didn't mean it, he'd back off.  I was right, and I'm not sorry about that.  I can smell a bullshitter from a mile away, but the only way to call their bluff is to catch them.  

Whats cool about this one is I knocked out 3 toxic people in one hit.  I got to see Leslie show her true colors when I was dating a guy I could TELL her married ass had a crush on. Now, if she were a single woman and had a crush on him, I wouldn't have dated him.  I have a very strong loyalty to my friends and would NEVER step on toes for a guy.  The bitch is on husband #3, she's married.  She didn't have a right to be angry. He told me later that she tried to screw him. I know for a fact she's fucked around on her husband so I knew she was liking him like that.  By getting rid of Leslie, I got rid of her douche bag husband who ran his mouth about me every chance he got.  I could feel Leslie's disloyalty before it went down.  She only liked being around me when I was miserable and she could be the hero, when I was doing something to make ME happy she tried to sabotage me. She was sabotaging to the point she was visibly angry if I didn't do what she wanted me to. 

I don't suspect there's anyone else that toxic in my life, but if you are one of them and secretly plotting to do something underhanded; just exit now please.  I've had enough of people like you lol, and I'm working on weeding out the toxicity so I WILL find you out in time. 

2010 is GONE, thank goodness!

And so we start anew :).  Feels nice huh? Every new year feels like a new chance to start over.  I really hope my life falls into place finally, because I'm sooooo sick of seeing everyone elses statuses on facebook about how amazing their lives are.  Kids, Husbands, great boyfriends who aren't abusive, good jobs, able to actually pay their way through the world. Must be nice.  If it weren't for Facebook being the only way I talk to my younger siblings, I'd probably just delete all together.  Facebook really isn't good for your self confidence...lol.  I keep offering to give up internet and sell my computer, but my mother refuses.  I guess she knows its really my only entertainment besides reading.  I don't watch a whole lot of TV, and if we didn't have that I wouldn't miss it at all.  I don't spend much time on the phone most days, so net is really all I got... sadly. 

I'd like to ask my friends to resolve to think about coming to see me more. I'm a recluse, I keep trying to make friends here but Jonesboro people suck.  Like... hard.  I had one really good friend that I spent all kinds of time with, then she stabbed me in the back by allowing her husband to run his mouth about me and didnt' say a word to him about it.  The fact that Neil and I didn't work out isn't the point, the fact is she was being a really bad friend while we were together and I'm just not going to allow her negativity in my life anymore. Therefore; I'm back to being a recluse.  I really need a few of you to come through for me on occasion.  There's one of you who shall remain nameless who comes to Jonesboro often and hasn't come to see me in 2 years. Everytime I make it to our hometown I make it first priority to come see you.  I don't wanna hear how you had to do this and that. My house is less than 5 minutes from where you do those things... you can carve out 30 minutes for me.  My love for my friends is unconditional, however the amount of abandonment I'll put up with does have conditions.  

I just have to start requiring more from people.  I have to start requiring more backbone about it from me also.  See, for about the last 3 1/2 years I've been by myself almost all of the time.  Literally. Just me, sitting at my computer or some other solo activities (thats not dirty you pervs lol).  Thats probably why I've dated so much, just trying to find someone who will spend time with me.  I'm quite lonely to be honest.  Those who've judged me for all my dating also haven't cared to carve any time out of their precious lives to spend with me, so their vote doesn't really count.  

The problem I've been having with dating is I keep finding guys who are like "drunk Dustin", except they're sober. That is way worse.  They're fully AWARE of how badly they treat me.  Nobody starts out that way, you know this.  I think somewhere inside of me I think I deserve it.  Its hard not to blame myself or wonder what might've happened if we'd stayed together. I know he's still drinking, but part of me wonders if I could have gotten him to get sober after all of this time had I stuck it out.  Part of me wonders if leaving him is what sent him over the deep end.  Probably part of it. I know I can't blame myself, as I did nothing but try to save him the whole time we were together.  I was not by any stretch an enabler.  Anytime he brought home booze, I dumped it down the drain.  They say every addict needs an enabler. HIS enablers were his friends.  They were just like him, most of them anyway.  I tried to encourage him to seek new companions, but I guess he ran the risk of his new friends not finding his drunkenness funny.  

I am not claiming that I was the perfect girlfriend/wife to him. I nagged. I bitched. Honestly though, and I don't want to sound like i think I was a martyr; but when he WASN'T drinking... I didn't nag or bitch or complain.  I just loved him.  I loved being his house wife.  It made me feel needed.  I liked doing his laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning our apartment when we were out on our own.  I loved it. He loved it too until his drunkenness decided he didn't want to have to financially take care of me when he'd rather be buying booze(keep in mind he TOLD me he didnt' want me to have to work and got the best job he could find so I wouldn't have to, he did that when he was sober...). 

Seriously, if he'd never started drinking again we'd have a house and kids and be married and all that jazz. He was a really responsible person sober. I miss that.  I really need to find a way to make peace with this. I think making peace with him will help. If nothing else I need to see that there was nothing I could have done that would have helped him change.  Truly, the drinking was really his only big fatal flaw.  However it was a HUUUGE dangerous flaw.  I have a way to speak to him now if I really want to, but I just want to speak to him sober b/c speaking to him drunk he'll never hear me.  I think a lot of my writings will be about him for a while, b/c I'm finally allowing myself to feel it.  I never did before.  Had I been wiser, I would've just knocked it out 4 years ago.  Its like he and I split then life just snowballed into a lot of crap all at once.  The last 4 years have kinda been hell.  I'm ready for a shift of luck. I know I have to make it myself, and I'm prepared to do my absolute best. 

I guess thats all for now.  I'm sure there will be more later lol.

Self analysis; its what Virgos do lol

We all have that ONE ex.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one whom if it weren't for that ONE incident, the one fight; you'd still be together.  The one you loved more than anything, the one that you compare every other person to; subconsciously or otherwise.  We know that doesn't mean that you'll never love anyone else like that, but when THAT one ends ugly you either work through it or repeat it.  I never worked through it. I just walked away when he hit me and never dealt with the loss.  

There's a gigantic loss that happens when the man you KNEW with all of your heart would never hurt you actually does.  You knew you were safe, knew he'd never lay a hand on you.  In a drunken rage, that security is taken away.  There's no words for that kind of pain, that kind of loss.  We went through hell and back, and back again together and broke up a few times.  I never thought the day would come that we'd be done for good.  He was everything.  Even through his addiction I saw the real man that was there, the good man who loved me and had the kindest heart.  Sad thing is; thats who addiction grabs most often.  The kind; the easy going; the ones who want to make everyone happy.  Its like they mistake that false intoxicated confidence for the real thing and just stick like glue to whatever substance moves them to feel that way.  

He really was clean for a short time. A VERY short time.  When a great guy like that relapses, you blame yourself.  "What did I do to make him want to drink?" is a common thought.  Bad thing is I wasn't just dealing with a drunk.  Dustin was the kind of addict that couldn't just stick to one vice.  He did them all, or none.  If he was drinking he'd take ANYTHING.  When he was sober, he was sober.  No middle ground, ever.  When he WAS sober, he was fantastic. Caring, sweet, romantic, helpful around the house, even a fantastic cook.  He was the model husband if there ever was one. We were never legally married, but we were living together after day 4. I have to face it; after 3 years together; we were married.   When he was drinking.. not 3 drinks in he was a completely different person.  Abusive, mouthy, lazy, mean, sloppy, and down right ignorant.  Some just are NOT meant to drink, EVER.   

The break up was the emotional equivalent of a divorce for me.  I just blocked it out and moved on. Literally.. I went to Alabama for a week, came back, then dove into partying and ignored my pain. HAHA, not drinking and partying or anything.. ok a little.. but nothing big in that direction. It was more the other kind of partying... the kind where I lost all self respect.  You know what I mean.  That wasn't any better than the drinking.  I knew deep inside I lost the right to have a problem with his alcohol addiction.  I became everything he said I was during our fights.  I also slowly retreated back into my fat suit, which isn't coming off as easily as when I was younger.  Its like its my "bullshit buffer" as a friend worded it.  I also think its why I grow so weary of relationships when guys are obviously not serious about me quickly.  We were.  We both knew from the second we locked eyes.  I've never felt so light headed in my life, and the look in his eyes told me he knew the exact same thing I did.  I guess I believe that if its not literally love at first sight; its not truly being 'in love'.  

I've always been a little bit psychic, so I ALWAYS know right off if its someone I can even try to love. I've TRIED to love quite a few, but its never stuck. You know that its not love if you have to try.  What brought all this to the surface you ask? The mention of his name. He's back in our home town and asking about me. It made me think about a lot of shit just hearing that he's in a short driving distance.  I'll be 100% honest and say that if I could be completely without a doubt guaranteed that he'd never drink again, or at least always seek treatment and stay on top of it; I'd go back with him in half a heartbeat.  I know thats probably never going to happen, so I have to FINALLY deal with this and move on.  It'll probably take the whole year of singledom to undo the lingering crap I didn't deal with 4 years ago.  This is the sucky part about growing up...lol, you realize things you were once too young to handle emotionally. 

A little insight into me

 

 The truth is I'm not completely sure that I know HOW to have a successful relationship.  I've never seen one up close, and I've never been in a healthy one.  The long standing ones in my family have been with people I didn't grow up around, so I didn't get to witness them.  

You know those lifetime movies where the single independent woman finally gives in and gives a shot to a seemingly great guy, only for them to turn around and turn into an abuser or asshole of some sort? Yeah... that would be my dating life.  Thats why I feel the need to abstain from dating for a year and figure out who I am.  I'm not going to promise that I'll be single for ONLY a year, but its the minimum.  It looks like I do nothing but date back to back, but I've abstained from dating for year stretches before and did rather well.  For those doubting me; I've done it before and I will do it again.  It seems to be the only way I can focus on me is if I don't get myself caught up in some guy who will only turn around and abuse or annoy me.  

I'm convinced that I'm meant to be a single mother when I have kids. I'm totally ok with that.  I will make a great mom b/c I just can never turn the "mommy" off...lol, I just have no tolerance for grown men who act like 3 year old boys.  I want kids more than anything, I just don't want to have to deal with the baby daddy drama.  Well I'll spend the next year getting healthier again, and when I feel its time we'll see if I can make a friend who just wants a kid and not a relationship.  Sounds good to me! lol