Self analysis; its what Virgos do lol

We all have that ONE ex.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one whom if it weren't for that ONE incident, the one fight; you'd still be together.  The one you loved more than anything, the one that you compare every other person to; subconsciously or otherwise.  We know that doesn't mean that you'll never love anyone else like that, but when THAT one ends ugly you either work through it or repeat it.  I never worked through it. I just walked away when he hit me and never dealt with the loss.  

There's a gigantic loss that happens when the man you KNEW with all of your heart would never hurt you actually does.  You knew you were safe, knew he'd never lay a hand on you.  In a drunken rage, that security is taken away.  There's no words for that kind of pain, that kind of loss.  We went through hell and back, and back again together and broke up a few times.  I never thought the day would come that we'd be done for good.  He was everything.  Even through his addiction I saw the real man that was there, the good man who loved me and had the kindest heart.  Sad thing is; thats who addiction grabs most often.  The kind; the easy going; the ones who want to make everyone happy.  Its like they mistake that false intoxicated confidence for the real thing and just stick like glue to whatever substance moves them to feel that way.  

He really was clean for a short time. A VERY short time.  When a great guy like that relapses, you blame yourself.  "What did I do to make him want to drink?" is a common thought.  Bad thing is I wasn't just dealing with a drunk.  Dustin was the kind of addict that couldn't just stick to one vice.  He did them all, or none.  If he was drinking he'd take ANYTHING.  When he was sober, he was sober.  No middle ground, ever.  When he WAS sober, he was fantastic. Caring, sweet, romantic, helpful around the house, even a fantastic cook.  He was the model husband if there ever was one. We were never legally married, but we were living together after day 4. I have to face it; after 3 years together; we were married.   When he was drinking.. not 3 drinks in he was a completely different person.  Abusive, mouthy, lazy, mean, sloppy, and down right ignorant.  Some just are NOT meant to drink, EVER.   

The break up was the emotional equivalent of a divorce for me.  I just blocked it out and moved on. Literally.. I went to Alabama for a week, came back, then dove into partying and ignored my pain. HAHA, not drinking and partying or anything.. ok a little.. but nothing big in that direction. It was more the other kind of partying... the kind where I lost all self respect.  You know what I mean.  That wasn't any better than the drinking.  I knew deep inside I lost the right to have a problem with his alcohol addiction.  I became everything he said I was during our fights.  I also slowly retreated back into my fat suit, which isn't coming off as easily as when I was younger.  Its like its my "bullshit buffer" as a friend worded it.  I also think its why I grow so weary of relationships when guys are obviously not serious about me quickly.  We were.  We both knew from the second we locked eyes.  I've never felt so light headed in my life, and the look in his eyes told me he knew the exact same thing I did.  I guess I believe that if its not literally love at first sight; its not truly being 'in love'.  

I've always been a little bit psychic, so I ALWAYS know right off if its someone I can even try to love. I've TRIED to love quite a few, but its never stuck. You know that its not love if you have to try.  What brought all this to the surface you ask? The mention of his name. He's back in our home town and asking about me. It made me think about a lot of shit just hearing that he's in a short driving distance.  I'll be 100% honest and say that if I could be completely without a doubt guaranteed that he'd never drink again, or at least always seek treatment and stay on top of it; I'd go back with him in half a heartbeat.  I know thats probably never going to happen, so I have to FINALLY deal with this and move on.  It'll probably take the whole year of singledom to undo the lingering crap I didn't deal with 4 years ago.  This is the sucky part about growing up...lol, you realize things you were once too young to handle emotionally. 

A little insight into me

 

 The truth is I'm not completely sure that I know HOW to have a successful relationship.  I've never seen one up close, and I've never been in a healthy one.  The long standing ones in my family have been with people I didn't grow up around, so I didn't get to witness them.  

You know those lifetime movies where the single independent woman finally gives in and gives a shot to a seemingly great guy, only for them to turn around and turn into an abuser or asshole of some sort? Yeah... that would be my dating life.  Thats why I feel the need to abstain from dating for a year and figure out who I am.  I'm not going to promise that I'll be single for ONLY a year, but its the minimum.  It looks like I do nothing but date back to back, but I've abstained from dating for year stretches before and did rather well.  For those doubting me; I've done it before and I will do it again.  It seems to be the only way I can focus on me is if I don't get myself caught up in some guy who will only turn around and abuse or annoy me.  

I'm convinced that I'm meant to be a single mother when I have kids. I'm totally ok with that.  I will make a great mom b/c I just can never turn the "mommy" off...lol, I just have no tolerance for grown men who act like 3 year old boys.  I want kids more than anything, I just don't want to have to deal with the baby daddy drama.  Well I'll spend the next year getting healthier again, and when I feel its time we'll see if I can make a friend who just wants a kid and not a relationship.  Sounds good to me! lol

And so my year of singledom begins NOW

 

Its not some half cocked new year's resolution.  I was thinkin this before I even met Neil, he was just kind of a last attempt before temporarily throwing in the towel. I'm not 'giving up' on dating, I'm just determined to STOP giving up on ME.  2011 IS the year I'll finally get my shit together come hell or high water.  Anyone that wants to have a hand in it by all means, but with or without anyone's help I WILL get my feet planted firmly on the ground.  

All of the things I want to do for myself, I have learned I can't do with a man in my life.  There's not a man out there who's secure enough to let a woman find herself without trying to keep her from succeeding in some underhanded back stabbing sabotaging way.  I'm ok with that.  

My last bag of christmas candy is almost gone, a bag of coconut tips.  I don't have the heart to throw them out lol, they were mine and Granny's favorite together, but its a small bag so its ok. Once these are gone my healthy lifestyle is back in full swing.  Tomorrow morning, around 7am sharp... yoga happens.  I know I tried and failed so many times, but I only really fail if I stop trying right? So... even if I fail... I'm trying again.  I take that back, failure is not an option this time around.  Well, its always a possibility I suppose, but I'm not cool with considering it part of the plan.  I should probably work on this whole mindless rambling in blogs thing too huh?  Ah well, how else can I be me without being me?  

A little part of me is hoping that I'll win some substantial sum of money.  The logical part of me is planning to start AVON in the next month or two, then use THAT money to pay for either a car or cab fare (how much it looks like I'll be making will dictate that, so only time will tell) to get to a fulltime job somewhere else, then get a car and all that awesome jazz.   I have a plan, I just hope I can make it happen.  I KNOW its possible, just whether or not it pans out is the big question.

Merry Christmas, blah blah blah....

Ya know what? I think the holidays are just meant to recap your accomplishments and failures of the year to your relatives.  This person has a perfect job, this person has a new baby, this person is in school, and this person is a complete failure at life.  I hate holidays, they just shine everyone else's great lives in my face.  If you haven't guessed, I'm the failure at life.  I'd probably feel different if I was the one in school, with the great job, or with the new baby.  Nope... not me. My biggest accomplishments were learning to make a vegetarian lasagna and a tofu chocolate pie (that not one person guessed was tofu btw, I DO have to pat myself on the back for that one.) 

I really wish I could see enough into the future to know if the next year was going to yield anything new for me, but at the same time if the answer is no I might just lose it so I guess its a good thing.  No matter how hard I've tried in the past, the things I want never happen.  The only time I get good things is random out of the blue, and just in the nick of time. Not that its a bad thing, I always seem to have what I need.  I just want something more ya know?  My cousin had his new baby at Christmas tonight.  He's precious.  He's all new and pink, the sound of him eating makes my heart melt.  My ovaries started screaming the second I laid eyes on him.  I have to wonder if there's some kind of cosmic joke out that I'm the butt of.  I'd give body parts to be a mother, and I mean that literally.  As long as I have one arm to hold a baby I'm good.  

Why do the wonderful things happen for everyone else?  Where's my wonderful?  I'm not asking for much, just a tiny miracle in one form or another that will allow me to be a Mommy.  Simple huh? I wish.  

Ok that is my rambling for now... just had to get some thoughts out.  Happens occasionally...

More reasons I love my life (sarcasm is thick here...)

I feel like I'm not allowed to get excited about guys and then change my mind b/c I am so open about it.  Its embarrassing to be the one who can't seem to hold onto a guy.  Right now I'm with Neil, but who knows how long that'll last. 

We're already fighting less than 2 months in.  I fucking  hate drama and I hate fighting.  I hate even more that men make you cry then get mad at you for crying.  I hate that someone who was supposed to be my best friend started treating me like shit just for getting to know someone.  I also hate that he asked me to marry him before he really knows me, I actually cringed inside when I said yes. I was fully aware that would change once he really got to know me.  Seems like its changing.  

He got mad b/c I took up for his niece when I thought he was out of line with her.  He won't let that go and has told me its not my business. Its totally my business when a man of 6'3" and 285lbs is screaming to a child of less than 5 foot tall and probably a whole 60lbs.  I'm sorry, but as an adult you do NOT intimidate a child to get them to listen.  Its not right, its not ok.  You do not use your size advantage to threaten someone's comfort.  I have way too strong of a maternal instinct to not say something to that.  Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this but I'm so mad right now.  I'm sick of being the one who is at the other person's disposal when they dont' even try to accommodate me in return. 

I seriously don't think this is going to work out.  I care about him, but I'm not up for the drama.  I said before I met him that I was just going to stay single for a year.  I might just need to go back to that and stick to it.  I need to really take care of myself and if hes going to be getting in the way of how I feel about myself then I really don't need that crap in my life.  Plus, he's not making any effort towards that divorce.  I have the contact information for legal aide and he doesn't seem to be asking for it.  I just don't know if he really is that committed to me.  I don't really know if he even knows what commitment means.  

Hell, I'm not sure I even know how to react to someone if they did know.  He disagreed that our relationship, once married (and before if he really wants me to marry him in the first place) is going to have to come before everything else in our lives.  THAT is the ONLY way marriages work, if you put the marriage before everything else.  I don't know if he's really ready to get married again, it doesn't seem like it.  I am ready and willing to get married, as long as the other person understands to what degree I expect them to be committed and they stick to it. No wonder people have disposable marriages anymore.  They get married just to look good to everyone else, they dont' really take into consideration what they're actually saying "I do" to.